With All Apologies To The Writers Of Traffic

As Bill Shakespeare tells us, “All’s well that ends well.” Tomorrow, the conclusion of the dog days of July, my official resignation will become effective and I will quit my position in hopes for a new direction in life. By resigning from my post, I am hoping this is the first yet necessary step towards that transformation – that metamorphoses – of my vision of work and my underlying expectation of it. Alas, the disclosure of my need for a change in scenery is not the intent of this post but instead, I wish to divulge my coup de grâce, with all apologies to the writers of Traffic (the movie).

I have made no effort in the past to hide the fact that I am disappointed with the direction my career had headed during these last two years. I held high expectations of the legal field in general and the paralegal position in particular, but after my two year sabbatical in the field, I have been persuaded to flee.

So for my coup de grâce, I have drafted two letter (and a note) that I will leave to my successor before I depart tomorrow. The story is below.

 

[Paralegal] <– Name withheld

Please take this as my apologies for what probably seems as a terrible way to transition the responsibilities of maintaining the liquor licenses of the 180+ hotels to your watch. It has been the company’s methodology to handle the transition in this manner and I can only wish you the best of luck in my absence. The examples of my prior work might prove to be an exceptional guide, but its usefulness will be only as effective as you make it.

While you will strive to learn the nuances of liquor license laws and regulations across the continental United States in hopes of applying your knowledge in preventing a disaster in one of the numerous hotels, I can tell you that there will come a day when your best efforts will fail. On such a day when your best of intentions ultimately fail, you will no likely feel like you have been scapegoated and thrown under the proverbial ‘bus’ as you will now experience the wrath of the bigwigs from Finance, Operations, Development, and the Legal Department who had stood idly by before when you successes had first been evident without taking note. 

Have no worries. During this, your first liquor license disaster, you would probably realize that there are no quick fixes to liquor license problems and you’ll be forced to issues a cease and desist order of all liquor operations at the hotel in question. It is at this time of duress, I want you to do only one thing and that is to open this letter.

The second time another issue arises in one of those states with inane liquor laws you tried to so hard to master (think Texas, California, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Illinois) and yet another hotel is forced to shut down liquor operations and severely disrupt the hotel’s profitability, you will no doubt experience the barrage of bigwigs yet again. You’ll be forced to relive the work conditions that you spent the last six months trying to avoid (and trust me, it will be in exactly six months) and your first intention will probably be to stress the success you have had over the last six months and how you have tireless and successfully worked to prevent similar disaster in the past with little to no fanfare. While this might be your first thought of action, I want you to quick dismiss that impractical action and remember the second letter. Open it.

I Finally Went Over to the Cat Side

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior – Hippolyte Adolphe Taines

 

After many years of dedicated support to Microsoft and its operating system, Windows, I have finally decided that the time has come for a change. I remember starting on my first operating system, Dos, and the subsequent conversion over to Windows 95, then 98 and finally settling with XP. Well, after my Sony Vaio decided to give up the ghost, I decided to abandon the notebook along with XP operating system that came with the machine. With much reservation, I walked into the nearest Apple store and talked with one of the representatives about Apple’s creative yet tritely named operating system, Leopard. (Just as an aside, how introverted masochistic does one really have to be to start nicknaming operating systems after cats? I personally do not trust cats, I can see it in their eyes, always scheming and plotting. Those cats will take over the world one day, but I digress). After a brief conversation with the representative, I was assured that switching to Apple’s operating system would be painless if not beneficial to my sanity, if only switching would conclude the obligatory yells I at time launch at my notebook.

Apple was more than joyous to separate me from my hard earned money. Immediately seconds after placing the order, I was overcome with buyer’s remorse. Can this notebook really be worth the $1500+ price tag I just paid? I was convinced at the store, but with a lighter wallet, I wasn’t quite sure any longer. I would just have to wait for the notebook to arrive before I could be certain.

A few days later, the notebook arrive and my first impression was that this notebook appeared like any other notebooks I had owned in the past, but after powering the computer on and playing around with Leopard, my buyers remorse subsided. I could easily see that this was a well built operating system and its developers had its convenience, functionality and style in mind during development. Practically speaking, this notebook simply works. It does what I ask of it without the yells and it does it well. All my hardware were easily detected by the notebook without having me running around installing softwares and drivers. Everything just worked, including my printers, my camera and my usb drive. The only hassle I had was having to download Pocket Mac in order to sync my blackberry with the notebook, but it has flawless synced since the installation.

But alas, I am a practical man and I understand that Microsoft still control 90% of the operating system market and as such, most programs are still designed with Microsoft’s OS in mind. This didn’t present a problem in the new Intel Apple notebooks as the Intel chip allowed me to either run a copy Windows natively through boot-camp or as an emulation through Parallels or VMare Fusion. I did both. There are still many programs that I would prefer to run on the windows platform and now I at least have the choice to boot XP only when I require it.

Its now been about three (3) weeks since the notebook arrived and I’ve got to hand it to Apple, this operating system is well designed. I’ve seen found innovative software bundled with the notebook such as Front row and Spaces that I adore and even discovered numerous open source softwares I now have installed on my notebook. I still will never believe or accept that this notebook is worth its over inflated price tag, but I do agree with the necessity to make the operating system switch. 

Don’t fret though dear readers, I will do my best to stay away from the cultish fan boy culture that Apple user seem to have easily adopted. It would take more than a well designed operating system to get me to run around as a living advertisement for Apple.

Underpants Gnomes

It is about one o’ clock on this day and I am already lethargic, even at this early hour. My usual morning cup of coffee does not seem to perform its usual trick today and that upcoming migraine that I am already feeling hints that it is best to avoid another cup. Out of nowhere, I am hit with a sudden rush of vigor as I bust into an uncontrollable laughter that must have reverberated at least six or seven cubicles deep as it brought concerned paralegals to my desk wondering what possibly could be the matter. I sit there and, through muffled chuckles, try to reassure my coworkers that I still have my mental faculties about me. Either eased by my sanity, or discouraged by the lack of excitement, they all scurry back to their respective desks to resume the humdrum I had so rudely interrupted. Meanwhile, back at my cubicle, I still sat there in this stress induced, sleep deprived, comatose existence and smiled to myself. I had underpants gnomes on my mind, and dare I say it, I was maturing.

The underpants gnomes were first introduced on the hit comedy central show South Park in Season 2, Episode 17. The underpants gnomes are a group of gnomes that collect underpants (duh) from the South Park children at 3:30am. Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Tweek (the children on the show) follow the gnomes to their cave in order to learn from the gnomes about how corporations work. Once there, the children venture to ask the gnomes why they are stealing the underpants of the South Park children. The gnomes’ answer is seen below:

Phase 1: Collect Underpants

Phase 2: ?

Phase 3: Profit

Click here for the clip. I could not find a way to embedded the video into the blog.

The clip satirizes the dotcom business of the late ‘90s as well as any ill-conceived business plan. Basically, as the show hints, all these ill-conceived business plans were created with an idea and the dream that having this idea was all that was required to create wealth. In essence, these businesses were collecting as many underpants as was humanly (or gnomishly) possible, assuming the next phase of the operation would be magically conceived, and wealth would be automatically generated for themselves and their shareholders. As we all know from the end of the dotcom era, many of these businesses without an economic moat imploded at the burst of the bubble, leaving only those corporation and business that had an economically viable Phase 2.

 As I reminisced about this clip, I started to draw up examples in my own life where I had devised such ill-conceived plans similar to that of the underpants gnomes. I sat and considered how many times I had idealized a plan of action due to the promise of the great profit I would reap in Phase 3 (metaphorically speaking of course), without actually considering the difficult steps between Phase 1 and Phase 3. At the end of the day, I usually found myself grasping for straws trying hard to achieve that oft romanticized Phase 3 due to my inadequate preparation. Phase 2 is the difficult phase and without a viable design for this stage, it becomes difficult to continue to plow ahead when the unexpected challenges arise. Take for example my childhood dream to attend medical school. I was young and had a dream and at the time, I believed that was all I needed. There was no need for a viable Phase 2 and I approached my situation as such;

Phase 1: Attend Johns Hopkins University

Phase 2: ?

Phase 3: Attend medical school.

As the years drew on though, I paid a penalty for the lack of Phase 2. When difficulties arose, I often wondered why I had undertaken Phase 1 in the first place. Being the young, bright scholar that I was, I ventured to learn exactly what Phase 2 encompassed: I would have to attend a university notorious known for grade deflation. I would have to succeed in an environment known for it vicious back stabbings. I would have to jump through numerous hoops that admission committee had predetermined. I would have to enter a profession that our political leaders are constantly destroying. I would have to sacrifice years before I could practice independently. I would have to work under a health care system that is slowly crumbling. I would have to wait years before I was financially compensated for my toils. As I learned more about this Phase 2, I began to regret plowing so hard into Phase 1. (Intro, One, Two, and Three). 

As I sat there smiling to myself, I knew that this self revelation was only a testament to my maturity. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I knew this lesson would teach me to look beyond the over-glamorized Phase 1s and Phase 3s and consider the Phase 2s before I take additional steps. By knowing what each Phase 2s of all the actions I undergo, I will be sure to limit any surprise that come my way and would rarely have cause for regret in the future.